the branch of day dreams

When I was in elementary school, I was very happy living the life I had. Day dreams consisted of imaginary games and stories that I would make up as I playing. I have good memories of my childhood and I (overall) liked it very much.

Junior high was more difficult as I became the funny girl with the "great personality" who hung out with the jocks and beauty queens. At this point, my dreams became all about writing. Writing my life. Writing reality. I read voraciously and wrote story after story using a manual type writer as I sat perched on my bathroom vanity (it's an interesting picture and difficult to describe). My day dreams became a mix of reality and fantasy - a "step up" from where I was at the moment but never too far away from who I really was.

In high school, my day dreams aligned more closely with a hoped-for reality as I dreamed of becoming popular, having the greatest of all romances and accomplishing something amazing with my life for God. After watching a made for TV movie about Jean Donovon (who was killed in Central America while doing missionary work with a group of nuns), I decided that I wanted to be a missionary - to "change the world" - and that it would be ok to die trying.

Later, when I went to college, "changing the world" mellowed into just finding a good husband and raising kids. My day dreams began to take the form of just finishing school and being in love. I did a year of missionary work around the US and Canada and was confronted with the fact that it was hard work and that there was no ABC news crew following me around in order to record my service. Returning to college, I was drawn to teaching because I love Literature and teenagers and I felt like this was the difference I could make as I awaited Prince Charming. I even found a few princes - or maybe those relationships were all just a part of the day dream, since they didn't work out "happily ever after" after all.

I spent my later 20's working and drinking and still dreaming about love. Day dreams were relatively lost in the fact that teachers (although noble, perhaps) are not paid enough to wonder about what they want to do 'someday.' Their reality is that they work hard with little and sometimes have to go out on dates with "interesting" men to eat well. They live in small apartments with other teachers and use their last twenty dollars before pay day to have rickety dinner parties with questionable wine.

And then my dream of finding love was fulfilled. Poor deluded soul that was supposed to live up to all those years of dreaming. And he very nearly does. So sublty, the day dream shifted to babies and staying home and raising them and the sequel to "Father of the Bride" (the old one) started playing in the recesses of my mind. I would be glorious with my little brood. I would change the world with my womb.

Yesterday, I was watching The News Hour with Jim Mcnair (sp?) and they interviewed Benazir Bhutto. She was the first woman Prime Minister of Pakistan and the first woman to lead a Muslim country. She was 35 when she became Prime Minister. Now, Bhuttos leadership was under a little bit of a scandal, but that's not the point of this. My point is that I don't think women like Bhutto are sitting around day dreaming about how they are going to change their part of the world. They are changing it. She has an amazing education but, as she spoke, I had the distinct impression that Bhutto has had a one-track mind geared toward leading her country for a long time. And I compare her with Leanne Rhymes (the country singer), who has been pretty much famous since she was 13 years old. Totally different stories and businesses and accomplishments - but what have they got that I haven't?

I've decided that they are not lazy and I am. It's the branch of day dreams and wishing for a reality that I have no intention of creating for myself.

But now, I have the intention. I have some plans and some things I want to accomplish. I don't think any of my plans will change the world - but they just might change me.