letting go of friends' grief

I found myself very sad recently that all of the moms in Daniel's playgroup are pregnant. Varying stages of pregnancy, but still pregnant.

Today, one of the moms wrote to say that the doctors could not detect a heartbeat for her baby at 20 weeks. She had made it into the "safe zone" (2nd trimester) but the baby still stopped living at 16 weeks. Hers was a very sad email - but hopeful at the end that her first son's laughter keeps her going. Still, the situation brings back memories to me of my own feelings, my lack of feelings and the silent mourning that an "almost" mom goes through alone.

I want to bring dinner to my new friend. I want to bring her flowers. I want to tell her that I understand her pain...that I believe that she has a second child.

What I don't want to tell her is that it happens to a lot of people. I don't want to share my own story with her in commisseration. I don't want to tell her that "something must have been wrong with the baby." A miscarriage brings out a lot of that. All well-intentioned of course. We all mourn our own way. Maybe she needs to hear some of that.

What I fear is that these other mommies in our group will be afraid of what happened to her. That they won't talk about it with her. That she will feel shunned or ignored in someway. If I had to suffer a miscarriage to know how to love these women (the people who share this type of pain) then I can honestly say it was worth it. I wouldn't wish it, of course, but I will accept it with peace.